A Touching Movie... A Tragic Life

30th Jan 2006, Monday
0400am

Last night, my buddies (Richard, Eve, Iris, Eve's bro, Adam) n I went Shaw Lido to watch Jack Neo's latest production - I Not Stupid Too. Our comment of the show was all the same: It's a very touching movie. I personally felt that this one was Jack Neo's best movie ever produced. Maybe its because the story stirred my feelings so much that I'm having difficulty falling asleep. Even when watching the movie, old memories already started to flash past my mind.

The story revolves around 2 families of different background. It was funny in the beginning, with some usual S'porean style jokes inserted among the scenes. But when the movie reaches the middle part, things start to have a turn. The ever so common family problems became the sparkle which ignite the flames. This eventually caused the 2 teenagers to head astray from the right path. It is through the great and selfless love that the parents of both displayed that saved them from heading into the path of no return.

I believe many scenes in the movie actually touched the heart of the viewers and had their eyes filled with tears. For I was among the many. I noticed Iris shed tears too, as she sat beside me. However, I was then too busy handling my own emotions to be bothered about wats happening around me.

This movie made me start thinking of my relationship with my family...

To my friends & colleagues, I may appear a happy go lucky person, although I sometimes may seem lost in thoughts. But when I'm home at the end of the day, I'm a totally different person. I do not speak a word unless absolute necessary. I've grown to detest talking to my family members. Even when it is necessary for me to reply, I do not look at them. If given a choice, I think I would rather live alone than to face them. To me, this house is just a place for me to sleep and spend some quiet moments alone. I guess the reason why I've become like this is due to bad childhood memories...

When I was small, I was a very timid person. As a typical traditional family, the husband would act like an emporor and the rest of the family members are like his subjects. Subjected to all sorts of verbal and physical punishment when the emporor is made angry. As a result of his tyranical treatment, I do not , or rather... dare not confide in him even though I had problems (Not that it would help much even if I did anyway). The ill fated wife would of course be the first line of impact. Most of the anger would be vent out on her, one who would silently bear all the injustice.
No matter how strong a person is, there are times when the tolerence reach its limit. Although I have never seen him hit her, the verbal abuse appear much more potent. He would always use the word "divorce" as a threat, on top other forms of verbal abuse. To young children, having to witness all these this word can cause them to loose faith in marriage in the future. To the wife, this word is worse than having a knife piercing through her heart a thousand times. She would always cry after hearing that. Sometimes she cries even by talking to her sis about this.

Everything I saw and heard had caused me as much hurt, no less than my mother. I ever had the thought of ending my father's life with my own hands... That was never put into action, guess I lacked the guts to do it as I was still so small. But I know that just by habouring that kind of thought is enough reason to send me to the depths of hell.

As I grew up, I began to realise that the reason why I felt so much pain when I witness all these is because I had love for them. In order to cease the pain, I had to cease my love. If I treat them as strangers, what they do will not affect me in anyway. Indeed that works. As I shut my door from them, I do not feel so much pain anymore. But this can only reduce the pain, yet cannot undo whats been done to me. My hatred still lingers.

Now, he doesn't do that anymore. He knows that I hated that. There was once I heard him threatening to divorce and I gave him a piece of my mind before I ran out, and spent a few nights in the streets. Since that incident, I haven't seen him verbally abusing her again. But all is too late... I have already shut my heart away from them far too long. Now I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like a sealed door without a key. No matter how good they are to me now, how much care and concern they shower upon me, I am unable to treat them like family. I believe as long as the hatred remains, I will be unable to unlock the sealed door. Seems like nothing they do can erase this hatred. Do I really have to wait until the day when they are no longer around before I can forgive and forget?

I believed I had not told anybody so much in my whole life. I simply do not know how to say it out. There was once I talked to someone bout my past. But halfway through, I was already losing control of my own emotions, and I knew I cannot continue any further. Hope that one day someone who reads this can enlighten me.

The Road Is Clear Now

I noticed that most of my posts are written after midnight. Maybe there are too many things going on in my mind, and only until this time of the day then I can settle down my thoughts and explore my inner self.

Tonight, she told me. Something which I had guessed would happen. Even though, it still creates an impact on me. Everything seems to turn grey. Even as I am writing this post, my heart is still aching. Guess this is inevitable. Even though I said I can give up, the feelings still remain. I'm hurt whenever I see them so close. But all I can do is pretend not to see.

Why can't I fight for my own happiness? Is it that I have no confidence in myself? Or is it that I can't bear to lose this friendship? I don't know. Maybe its just that I'm not ready to face all this, so I chose to avoid?

Despite all the question marks in my mind now, the road seems clear to me. Nothing more that I do can change the fact. Guess my only option is to put down my feelings. But I don't know how to. I don't even know how it started.

It just came so naturally. Before I knew it, I had already fallen for her. At first I was not sure whether it's just a crush, which would go away on its own, or whether it was more than that. Until the point when seeing her being close with other guys affects my mood, then I was was sure of my feelings. But still, I did not tell her. I did nothing to go after her. Instead, I was contented just by being her friend. A friend whom she would share with me her happy and sad moments, and vice versa.

I harbored the foolish thought that maybe one day, her feelings towards me would change, as long as I continue to care for her. But I finally understand that things do not happen this way. You have to fight for your own happiness, for the women u love. However, I cannot fight when it comes to her. They are all my friends. Be it my victory or defeat, I will lose them for good. So I can only choose to give up. All I can do now is to nurse my wounds and carry on. I got to change myself so that history does not repeat itself. When will I learn to fight for my own happiness?

Pls let me get over her, so that I can move on. I dun want to feel hurt anymore…

To Put Down Or To Hold On

I've been thinking alot for the past few days. Wondering if i should or should i not. It's making me lose focus on my work. Just can't stop thinking bout it. Was feeling slightly better until I found a listening ear.

I finally understood everything... How she felt towards me. I would have expected this anyway, so it came as no suprise to me. My spirit has hit rock bottom. Yet can't show it at work. The rational me says one thing: "To put down", but the emotional me says another: "To hold on".

I suddenly remembered story which I heard a long time ago, and this made me decide to post this blog. I'm going to share it with everyone who somehow happens to read this post.

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One day, 2 monks were on their way down the mountain to go to city and buy groceries. They came to a wooden bridge which they had to pass through. In front of the bridge was a beautiful young lady trying to cross. Crossing that unstable bridge was easy for the 2 monks, but for the lady it was an almost impossible task. Seeing that the sky is turning dark and it is very dangerous for the lady to be left alone in the wilds, the old monk went forward to the lady and said: "Let me carry you across." The lady smiled and nodded her head. The old monk thus piggy backed the lady across the wobbly bridge. The young monk took what he just saw to heart but kept quiet and followed behind.

After crossing the bridge, the old monk put the lady down and without even turning behind, carried on his journey. The young monk took another glance at the lady and followed close behind the old monk. For the rest of the journey, both monks remained silent. When they reached the city, the young monk finally could not stand it anymore and questions the old monk: "How could you carry the lady on your back? We as monks are supposed to keep away from women!" The old monk did not bother to explain much. Instead, he asked the young monk 1 question: "I've already put the lady down the moment I crossed the bridge, why is it that you are still holding on?" The young monk immediately understood the old monk's words and was ashamed of himself.
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I would tell this story to my friends who has something that he or she cannot put down. Now I'm telling this story to myself. The moral of this story is : How many people can be like the old monk, able to leave behind whats past and move on without looking back? How many people are like the young monk, holding on to the past and being hard on himself throughout the rest of life's journey?

Now I ask you, who has read this post: Would you rather be like the old monk or the young monk? The choice is yours to make...