The Road Is Clear Now

I noticed that most of my posts are written after midnight. Maybe there are too many things going on in my mind, and only until this time of the day then I can settle down my thoughts and explore my inner self.

Tonight, she told me. Something which I had guessed would happen. Even though, it still creates an impact on me. Everything seems to turn grey. Even as I am writing this post, my heart is still aching. Guess this is inevitable. Even though I said I can give up, the feelings still remain. I'm hurt whenever I see them so close. But all I can do is pretend not to see.

Why can't I fight for my own happiness? Is it that I have no confidence in myself? Or is it that I can't bear to lose this friendship? I don't know. Maybe its just that I'm not ready to face all this, so I chose to avoid?

Despite all the question marks in my mind now, the road seems clear to me. Nothing more that I do can change the fact. Guess my only option is to put down my feelings. But I don't know how to. I don't even know how it started.

It just came so naturally. Before I knew it, I had already fallen for her. At first I was not sure whether it's just a crush, which would go away on its own, or whether it was more than that. Until the point when seeing her being close with other guys affects my mood, then I was was sure of my feelings. But still, I did not tell her. I did nothing to go after her. Instead, I was contented just by being her friend. A friend whom she would share with me her happy and sad moments, and vice versa.

I harbored the foolish thought that maybe one day, her feelings towards me would change, as long as I continue to care for her. But I finally understand that things do not happen this way. You have to fight for your own happiness, for the women u love. However, I cannot fight when it comes to her. They are all my friends. Be it my victory or defeat, I will lose them for good. So I can only choose to give up. All I can do now is to nurse my wounds and carry on. I got to change myself so that history does not repeat itself. When will I learn to fight for my own happiness?

Pls let me get over her, so that I can move on. I dun want to feel hurt anymore…