Cold Blooded Animal

Today I can't help but wonder if I'm cold blooded. When something happens to a family member, the natural reaction will be to feel worried and show concern. For me, I'm not capable of doing any of these. At times I just hate myself, for being such a horrible person. When a friend is in bad situation, yes I'll be worried and concerned. But when same thing happens to my family members, I remain indifferent. I know this is very wrong. Many a times I tried to change the situation but I just can't. I tried forcing myself to talk to them, but before I succeed, past memories flow into my mind, and I just shut my door to them... again. This cycle repeats itself over and over. The scar is too deep for anything to heal. It will always remain until the day I die, or maybe the day everyone else dies.

Whenever my friends talk about their family, I don't know what to say, and I just try to skip that part of the conversation. My perspective of family is just too different from the rest. I'm afraid that it will cause me to lose all my friends. I treasure my friends alot. Maybe it's bcos of my family background that I try to treat my close friends the way that I would like to treat my family. Put it bluntly, I'm trying to substitute my family with my friends.

I just hate myself for having this kind of twisted thinking. But what can I do?? Despite knowing this path is wrong yet I keep on going. What can I do except to keep going? I try to turn back but something's stopping me. So I keep going, even if its a path of desruction. And what can I do?

Nothing............ Nothing at all.

If someone happens to read this, pls do not worry bout me. Just that something happened whiched triggered my feelings. I'll be fine after a few days. Got used to it long time ago.