有谁能懂我的心

A Month of Festive Season & Celebrations

2007-03-03T22:47:00.000+08:00

For most of us, February is a month of festive season. As for myself, this month is especially meaningful. Cos my bdae falls on the last day of Feb (not the 29th of course). This post summarises how I've spent the month of Feb.

First in the line will be CNY. Should have been Valentines Day, but not applicable to me as I've got no one to celebrate the occasion with. Anyway that day I was on afternoon shift as well.

Day 1 of CNY was a boring day for me. Fyi, I disliked "bai nian" as I am not close to any of my relatives. Only see their faces like once a year. Most of them I dun even know how to address them properly. So I ended up spending my time at the gym. Thank god they open even during CNY.

Day 2 was ktv & movie session with Ki Siao Gang. Went to partyworld orchard. Was misled by the waiter that 1 mandarin orange cost $8.80. They served 2 plates, a total of 8 mandarin oranges which we thought would cost us a good $64++. We kept complaining until the bill came. Lucky it was just mis-communication. $8.80 was the cost 1 plate (4 oranges). So the bill came cheaper than expected. After ktv, we proceeded to Cineleisure for a quick dinner and movie. Settled our dinner at the basement Jap fast food outlet. Had wanted to eat at Long-John but the place was fully packed, same for KFC & Burger King. Watched The Protege. We expected the tix would be sold out so we went to buy tix before the ktv. The storyline was not too bad, with some gore scenes. Was abit disappointed with the ending though.

Day 3 was house visiting to my colleague Julliane's house. Spent the whole afternoon playing blackjack, ended up losing some $$ there. Julliane prepared food for us and even gave each of us an ang bao. They have a cute and hyper active dog. It was running ard so much that it vomited. Oh poor thing... Later in the evening, met up with Serene, Mark, Terry & Jason for dinner at Taka Crystal Jade. Followed by chilling out at the Acid Bar. Esther joined in too. She was "tekan" by us shortly upon arriving late. She was made to eat the lychee inside her glass of martini, without using her hands to pick up the lychee or touching the glass. The trick was to use a toothpick but of course she did not manage to figure that out. Thanks to Jason, the lychee fell onto the floor and Esther ended up drinking 1 more glass. I shall not write further on this topic. The rest is up to you readers to imagine. Hahaha!!!

On the 7th day (Ren Ri), I went over to my sec school classmate Yihui's house for a gathering. The usual group turned up, Mandy was not there, and Jinglin who was not there last year had turned up. Btw Jinglin was the girl whom I had a crush on during my sec school days. Yihui was the person whom I have owed an apology all the way back from sec 3. But I've decided it's best for me not to bring it up.

Next big event was of course my bdae celebration!

Grace, Serene, Mark, Terry & Jason celebrated Esther's (19 feb) & my bdae (28 feb) together on 25th which was a Sunday. We went for ktv at partyworld orchard in the afternoon (without Mark & Terry). After singing, we went to Chung Ching Steamboat @ Suntec for dinner, with the 2 guys joining in. The soup was disappointing, very different from the last time I ate. Quality dropped but price raised. Should have gone there during lunch. Would have been cheaper, and we could have gotten better soup. After dinner, we proceeded to Paul Launer (did I spell correctly?) for a drink. We also had the present giving there. I received a cool singlet and a kappa bag.

As for Esther, she received a red hot sexy bikini (sorry guys no photos for that)

On the 26th, Ki Siao Gang celebrated my bdae for me at Bosses Restaurant. We decided to go

ala carte as the Yu Sheng set was too expensive. The dishes were quite good, except that portion was very small. We kept saying that we want to go for second round at Long John after the meal. I got the latest cK perfume and a LOTR pc game (as per requested) as presents

Last but not least, I went for a gathering cum lou hei dinner at Tea House @ China Sq with Swee Ling, Shinder, Sheila Joey, Edwin & Paul. Gek Cheng & Yvonne could not make it last minute. Dinner was ala carte buffet with Yu Sheng. Food was quite good, and as expected, 2nd round of ordering was an ordeal that we had to go through. We were already 90% full and food kept on coming. But we were able to finish almost everything, except for the plate of steamed chicken which the meat was tough like it was left inside the steamer overnight.

This is all for the month of celebration update. Coming up will be my new school term, which I have been looking forward to. And lastly if you manage to read until here, I thank you for your patience.

Take care all my friends :)

Cold Blooded Animal

2007-01-17T23:07:00.000+08:00

Today I can't help but wonder if I'm cold blooded. When something happens to a family member, the natural reaction will be to feel worried and show concern. For me, I'm not capable of doing any of these. At times I just hate myself, for being such a horrible person. When a friend is in bad situation, yes I'll be worried and concerned. But when same thing happens to my family members, I remain indifferent. I know this is very wrong. Many a times I tried to change the situation but I just can't. I tried forcing myself to talk to them, but before I succeed, past memories flow into my mind, and I just shut my door to them... again. This cycle repeats itself over and over. The scar is too deep for anything to heal. It will always remain until the day I die, or maybe the day everyone else dies.

Whenever my friends talk about their family, I don't know what to say, and I just try to skip that part of the conversation. My perspective of family is just too different from the rest. I'm afraid that it will cause me to lose all my friends. I treasure my friends alot. Maybe it's bcos of my family background that I try to treat my close friends the way that I would like to treat my family. Put it bluntly, I'm trying to substitute my family with my friends.

I just hate myself for having this kind of twisted thinking. But what can I do?? Despite knowing this path is wrong yet I keep on going. What can I do except to keep going? I try to turn back but something's stopping me. So I keep going, even if its a path of desruction. And what can I do?

Nothing............ Nothing at all.

If someone happens to read this, pls do not worry bout me. Just that something happened whiched triggered my feelings. I'll be fine after a few days. Got used to it long time ago.

X'mas Thoughts

2006-12-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I've posted something here, cos there's really nothing much to write. Today is x'mas day and for no reason the loneliness and emptiness within me has surfaced again. It just happens without fail every festive season.

Past 2 days I had a wonderful time pre-celebrating x'mas with my friends. On Sat, I went for movies, ktv, dinner and stayed a one night in a hotel with the "Amex Gang". The movie, Deathnote 2 was good, but was slightly disappointed with the ending. The hotel which cost only $99 was spacious and comfortable, with a nice bathroom (didn't get to use the bathtub though). We had our gift exchange "ceremony" there and made so much noise that the hotel manager had to knock on our door twice. Lucky we were disciplined enough to tone down. If not we might end up sleeping at the lobby! The next day I met up with my beloved "Ki Siao Gang" for a feast @ Dian Xiao Er and catched the show A Night @ The Museum. It was so hilarious that the whole theatre was bursting with laughter throughout the entire show. Although I did not go home to rest for 2 consecutive days, I was not at all tired.

After the movie, we headed home separately. I shared a cab Ric, Eve & bro. It was at that point of time those feeling of emptiness started to fill my mind. I remained quite throughout the journey. I had much thoughts on my way back home. My family, friends, job, upcoming studies... but most of my thoughts fell on Her.

It's been almost 2 months since we not kept in touch. She has not replied my sms, and I believe she must have blocked me in msn. I too have not contacted her since that D&D incident. The only channel through knowing each other's existence is via the mass e-mails that we've been sending out to our friends. I do not understand why the words I said that day had pissed her off that much. The only reason I could think of was the exam stress. As her exam was round e corner, I decided to leave her alone till her exam's over before I contact her again. But as days pass, I began to lose faith in my feelings for her. I questioned myself, what am I to her? Actually I had known the answer long ago. But I just refused to give up and held on to the belief that I would be able to touch her heart if I persevere... Gosh, that was naive of me. I should have known things don't work this way anymore, maybe at least for her. Guess she's the type of girl who knows clearly what she wants. If I'm not the one, no matter what I do, it will never happen. I'm still hanging the cross stitch keychain on my bag. Guess somewhere deep inside me, I'm still holding on. Let's see when am I gonna take it down....

Had wanted to write more, but guess I'll end here for now. For friends who has read until this point, I just want to say don't worry, I'm fine.

Keep in touch!!!

Adapting To A New Environment

2006-10-15T10:38:00.000+08:00

It's been 1 week since my new job. So far, I've no problem blending myself into this new working environment. My whole team of 7 is made up of all ladies. That makes me the only thorn among the roses, but they still treat me nice. Inside the enclosed room, we carry out our daily operation.

I've started to take a few calls on my second day. It was very bad. I simply didn't understand what the merchants were saying when they reported the fault. Things remain the same on the 3rd day. I was somewhat disappointed with my performance. That night I managed to talk to Esther. As usual, her words enlightened me. She told me its ok to make mistakes while I'm still new. Nobody will fault me for it. On the 4th day, I decided that I got to increase the amount of calls I pickup, in order to get better. Don't worry about making mistakes cos I will not be blamed at this point, and my colleagues will help me out of the mess. This really worked! My confidence level increased together with the number of calls I picked up. And I was gradually able to solve some of the common problems on my own!

I'm starting to miss my Amex colleagues, and the good food at beach road. When I get my off day on a weekday next month, I'll go visit them.

Thats about all for my update. I'll end here for now.

New Chapter In My Life

2006-09-24T00:53:00.000+08:00

21 September 2006
This day marks a new chapter in my life. I have finally tendered my letter of resignation to my immediate superior, something which I've been thinking about for the past 1 year. Never thought that it would take me this long to make the move. What I'm going to write is my past 2 year's experiences in Amex. It's gonna be very very long post. So just bear with it.

The Interview
I entered Amex in Apr 2004, 1 month after I ORD. I can still remember clearly that day when I went for interview. My friend asked me to accompany him to a job agency for a pre- interview. When we reached there, the staffing consultant asked both of us to fill in the application forms. The consultant must have thought I wanted to apply for the post too. Feeling puzzled, I just did as I was told. I was called into the interview room together with my friend and the consultant started asking both of us lots of questions. After the "questioning session", she sent us for a second interview the same afternoon. I had not wanted to go as it was not my intention to apply for this post, but my friend insisted that I accompany him. And so I went along. When we reached the address given, we realised that the company is actually American Express! OMG, first time I step into such a big company! My first thought when I went into the office was: "Amex have a very nice pantry". Shortly, I began to realise that I was actually too casually dressed. The other interviewees all wore shirt & pants but I just wore a plain white t-shirt and jeans. I then understood why everyone was looking at me. My friend got interviewed first, followed by me. There were 2 interviewers, 1 was my immediate superior. They only asked me some simple questions on my past job experiences, and whether I'm willing to work lots of OT etc. The most difficult question they asked me was: " How do you think you can handle talking to people of different nationalities?". That time I didn't know how to answer so I just cooked up something which I couldn't remember what I actually said. After that we were told to wait for further news. I was thinking that I will definately not get the job, because I had no idea what was the position I was "applying" for, and my answers sucked. Just after 2 hours that very same day, the job agency called me and asked me if I can start work the next day. I was too shocked after I heard that, and so I just said ok to everything the consultant told me. My friend was grumbling that I had got the job when I was only supposed to accompany him for an interview. Hehe, till now I still feel abit sorry for him.

Getting Geared Up
As I just completed NS, I did not enough money to buy nice office wear. My friends had to accompany me around to search for the cheapest office wear in S'pore. Plus I only have less than half a day to search! Nevertheless, we still managed to find a shop in Queensway Shopping Center which sells long sleve shirt at only $12 per piece. Next we found a shop at Clementi Central which sells office shoes at also $8 per pair. As for pants, I had only 2 pairs to last for the week. Can't find anyne who sells cheap pants. With all these, I'm all geared up for work!

On The Job Training
First day of work, I was attached to a malay lady who was temperory taking over the position. From her, I managed to find out what my job scope is, and what my department is called, Facilities Management. Being a FM assistant, basically my duty was to attend to requests and compliants made by internal customers. The requests were mostly general stuff like help to set up meeting rooms, lights not working, air-con not cold, cabinet can't open etc... I also had to supervise maintenance works carried out by contractors which were mostly after office hours.
After 6 months, my appointment changed to Facilities Management Coordinator. An assistant was also hired to help out with the increasing workload. I started learning coordination for office restack projects and passed down the general duties to my partner. It was also through doing projects I got to interact with various contractors and the higher management people.

Harsh Reality
When I just started out, I knew nothing about the job and wanted to learn as much as I could within the shortest time. I did everything that was tasked to me without even thinking whether that was supposed to be part of my jobscope. As time goes, I realised I was actually doing a lot of things out of my scope. That was when I began to dislike my dept. To make things worse, my superior were not firm with their stand in rejecting unreasonable requests. They took the easy way out and avoided offending the internal customers by agreeing to all their requests, even though some were not within the dept's scope, and then simply passed the tasks to me. Just 3 months ago, my partner left the dept, and the management decided not to hire a replacement.
Naturally, all my partner's workload fell onto me. Despite highlighting to my superior several times that my workload was too heavy, and I proposed passing some of my jobscope to my immediate superior, the management chose to turn a deaf ear. No one in the dept had bothered to look into my situation. Therefore, I've made a decision to leave the company, and same time to study for diploma course.

Right Timing
Just the right time, my friend called me up and told me of a vacancy in her company, a call center for merchant support. So I decided to give it a try. 2 days after the interview, I was informed that I got the job. After I heard the news, mixed feelings started gushing into my heart. "Time waits for no man." I've truely understood its meaning now. Just a blink of an eye, I've been with Amex for 2 1/2 years. Althought not really a long period, but its long enough for me to know a bunch of great colleagues cum friends.

My Friends
This section is specially for my wonderful friends in Amex: Cat,Grace,Liang Mey, Serene, Mark, Edwyn and a new member Esther. I've left out one person's name because we all felt that this person does not belong to the group. I knew Cat first, and she introduced me to the group of Mark, Grace and Serene. Edwyn joined my dept sometime back and was automatically introduced to the group. Most of the them I've written a testimonial in friendster, so I shall not describe them again.

Liang Mey is a very direct person. She will not hesitate to speak her mind if she sees something not right. A woman of principle, she refuses to entertain anyone whom she dislikes. I respect her for that, cos that is something I cannot achieve. Very quick witted and vocal, I can never outtalk her. There's something very interesting about her. She can't stay out late. When she hangs out with us and starts to rest her head on her hand and keeps very quite, we all know that she's tired and wants to go home and rest.

Mark Koh... This guy has an "Ah-Beng" aura surrounding him. Haha, no offends man. We understood each other's ah-beng language. Fun talking to him. He's one trustworthy man in our group. When we hang out late, he will make sure the girls reach home safely. Doesn't mind going the extra mile to see them home first. Can't believe he's still single. Hope that he finds a gf soon!

Esther is a very friendly girl, guess is because of living in Melbourne for 4 years bah. A very pretty girl who has lots of suitors, but till now she's still single. Looks like prince charming's not here yet. She's active in charity activities and has her own set of philosophy at a young age. I believe is due to what she has gone through in life. She's a friend whom I can really talk to. Makes a good listener, and good adviser. Although she's only 1 year older than me, but I've learnt alot about life from her.

The bunch of us started out as lunch kakis. As time goes, we became much closer friends and often meet up for dinner and activities after work and sometimes on weekends. I still remembered once we planned to go Sentosa but ended up at Suntec watching movie because of the rain. On another occasion when we agreed to meet for Sentosa trip on a Sunday morning but the girls last minute could not turn up, and it ended up as an all guys trip! Beside's being activitiy partners, we were also each others' listening ears cum consultants. When either of us faced with problems, be it r/s or work, we would share with the group and ask for advise. Having them as friends made my life here in Amex really wonderful. Without them, my lunch would be very boring. Without them.......... my this post would not have been so long! It's already 2 pm and I've not had lunch yet. Now I'm so hungry. Hungry man is angry man! So now i'm going to end here and go for my lunch.

Hope that we can still keep in touch!

Distance

2006-08-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

I'm writing something here again. Normally when i write, it would mean there's something bothering me. This is just an attempt to "dump" it here, hoping that I would have put it down once I post this blog.

Perhaps by now almost all my friends already know that I've fallen for THE girl. Or perhaps SHE too already knows. I believe I've been showing overly concern for her. I must have put her off by my actions. Maybe she does not like a normal guy friend doing so much for her. Or I should say "I know" instead of "Maybe".

If you like someone, its very natural that you would want to show concern for that person. There's no need to gain anything in return. The best return will be that person accepts what you have done. How would you feel if all you get in exchange is a sentence "I dun wanna owe u any favours"?

She must have sensed that I have feelings for her. Perhaps she is now keeping a distance from me. We hadn't chatted for 4 days. Nights seem especially long without her talking with me. Perhaps I'm thinking too much le. That's wat she always say to me. These few days I've been trying to make a decision which I've always hated to make. Should I declare my feelings to her? As each day pass by me, I can't help but feel She's drifting further and further from me... or could it be that she's never even been near?

Actually what am I think of? Why can't I just tell her? I wun die if I tell her, nor will I lose a piece of meat if she rejects me. Think its just me to "tuo li dai shui". One side of me says to do it once and for all. Worst thing is kena rejected. Then I can move on. Dun have to everyday so "fan". Another side of me says betta to wait n see wat happens. But again I ask myself wats there to see? As if by waiting she's ever gonna fall for me?? But what if after I declare we can't even be friends? OH... what should I do??? Its gonna be a long night again...

2 Weeks of Retreat

2006-07-01T18:50:00.000+08:00

I went back to camp for my reservist from 19th Jun to 30th Jun. I had thought that these 2 weeks of in-camp training would be a holiday break for my stressed out mind. The truth turned out to be far from what I had imagined.

Week 1

The first week if ICT was rather relaxing. Day 1 was in-pro and some simple revision of what we had learned. Day 2 was our IPPT or physical fitness test. I was worried that this time I might not get my silver results which I got last year as I had not been exercising regularly. Surprisingly, I still managed to obtain silver standard (got $200 award). Just that my 2.4km run was slower than before. Think I got to buck up on my jogging routine le. Day 3 & 4 was the shooting training (not siong one). Come Day 5, we went for Company Mission Exercise. We reached the Lim Chu Kang training area at late morning and spent half the day doing some battle drills etc. Then we rested until 2am before we moved out for the mission. It was a 3km walk followed by an attack to enemy base. The route was quite easy as we did not walk into thick vegetation. The only bad thing is that the area had lots of sand flies and my hand was bitten all over. By the time we cleared the objective, it was already 9am. The exercise transit into defense mission and we had to dig 1 "grave" each to lie inside and wait for enemy attack. Exercise was cut at around 11am and we proceed back to camp to clean up and prepare for bookout. We were allowed to go out of camp for the weekend.

I had intended to ask my friends out to spend the weekend but they were too busy playing Ran.Online, so I decided to join them play. But my internet had been giving me problems and I always disconnect from the game. I got so fed up that I decided not to carry on playing. Good thing is I saw her online, so I spent the rest of the night msn with her. Until my eyes closing then stop. On Sunday I woke up quite late cos I was too tired from the outfield training. I spent the whole afternoon looking for her birthday present. It was a necklace with a rectangle fibreglass pendent. Hope she likes it. If given more time, I could have gotten her a better present. I bought a ring for myself from the same shop as I couldn't resist the temptation. I had a quick dinner at home and went back to camp shortly cos got to book in by 10pm.

Week 2

Day 1 was BUA training. My friend & I did not attend as we were not feeling too well. Day 2 & 3 was our Battalion Mission Exercise. As the attendence rate for last week's CME was very low (only 30% attendence), the Commanding Officer had issued a warning that those who did not attend the BME will have to come back for make-up training during December. Sad to say, his threat did not prove effective. In fact, it backfired. By doing so, he had also caused the soldier's morale to drop drastically. Those who did not attend last week's training continued to report sick to get excused. This time round, the training was very siong. At 11pm, we started walking a 6km route towards objective. Almost the entire route was thick vegetation. It was so dark that I can't even see the person infront of me. To be honest, I had never walked this kind of route throughout my entire 2 years of active NS time. I can't imagine this bast*** could have planned this kind of training for us reservist soldiers to go through. One of our guys could not take it and lost consciousness halfway through. His body was trembling vigourously and he vomitted white foam! 6 medics and 1 medical officer attended to him and they actually waited for more than 30 minutes before they sent the guy to hospital! That's atrocious! What if he could not hang on for that long? Whose going to answer to his parents? I'm utterly disappointed with the way they handle this situation... We reached objective at around 7am and carried on with the attack, which we took more than 2 hours to clear the objective. The CO had decided that we had to redo the attack as the trainers commented that it was not good enough. Given the fact that the route was too siong (rumoured that other reservist unit is not so siong) and one of our people was sent to hospital, our morale had hit rock bottom. We had agreed ourselves that we will not redo the attack. After some negotiation with our OC, our unity could not withstand the test and some of the men decided to do it. The rest had no choice but to follow. We returned to camp by Day 3 6pm. Day 4 was cleaning weapon and returning of stores and other admin matters followed by a nights off. Since it's the last night for us, we chatted until 4am then sleep. Finally comes Day 5, last day of reservist for year 2006. The whole morning I was busy running around to settle my statement for weapon part lost due to training. By lunchtime I managed to get the officer to sign my statement. If not I might not be able to out-pro. Managed to leave camp at 4pm. This is just the beginning of the very important day. I was rushing like mad from Tuas to my house

Pls visit this website for some of the photos & videos we took during the ICT http://hanalexu.multiply.com/

Without You

2006-05-19T18:29:00.000+08:00

Its been more than 2 months since the last time I blogged....

I've been running after time, trying to catch up with it for the past 2 months. My life has become a routine of working and playing online game. During office hours, I'm totally absorbed into drawing floorplans after floorplans for my projects. After office hours, I'm again sitted infront of my home PC, not for work, but absorbed into an imaginary world of Ran online. Inside the game, I'm a swordsman running around killing mobs, forming gangs with others to train levels and making new virtual friends. In the gaming world, I can let go of all my troubles and stress and turn into a totally different person.

Unfortunately, my PC broke down last week and I my routine lifestyle was gone! I'm forced to wake up from my dreamland. For the past few days, I've been carrying my CPU to and fro Sim Lim Square trying to get it fixed.

Now I have more spare time since I've got no computer at home. I hate the feeling of having nothing to do! I can only kill time by watching VCDS now. Hope that my PC gets repaired soon. I really can't live without it.

My Happiest Birthday Ever - Part 2

2006-03-02T00:49:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends, my bdae photos are uploaded to my Multiply site.
Here's the link, http://hanalexu.multiply.com/photos/album/10

*Note: This is not all of them. I'll upload the rest once I receive them. Do keep a lookout!

My Happiest Birthday Ever - Part 1

2006-02-28T23:42:00.000+08:00

Today is my 23rd bdae. This is also my happiest birthday for the last 8395 days of my life. I'm trying to post this blog before today comes to an end, but looks like I don't have enough time already.

The reason why I feel this is my best birthday, I guess is because of my friends. My past bdaes had never been as lively as this one, except for my 15th one. Another reason is because, other than having the company of my current friends, I also recieve wishes from long time friends whom I seldom contact. I'm really greatful that I've not been forgotten by them.

My bdae celebration is actaully split into 2 different days.

On the 25th Feb Saturday, I treated my "Ki Siao Gang" to seafood dinner @ No Signboard. For presents, I recieved a 1GB thumb drive from Eve, Richard, Karen & Iris. Sherrie gave me a leather belt which I wear everyday to work. One present that caught me by surprise was a Nike hat with a Man U. logo on it from Cloe, one of Eve's sistas. I did not invite her to my bdae dinner as I had only met her a few times. Anyway she has flown overseas again, and I have to wait till she's back to thank her personally. After the dinner, we went to Party world for second round. However, due to eating too much white pepper crab, I actually lost my voice!!! The whole night I had to be audience. Sob Sob... But one thing I'm happy for is my disciple (Eve's younger bro) has improved in his singing technique. Keep it up Ah Gum! Kekeke.

Today - 28th Feb is my actual bdae. My colleagues/friends Liang Mey, Catherine, Grace, Serene, Shu Yun, Paul, Edwin Chng, Edwyn Ng & Mark Koh celebrate this day for me @ Waraku Japanese Restaurant after work. Cat had reserved a private room and we had to take off our shoes before entering. Lucky no Hongkees in our group. We spent almost half an hour looking at the menu before making up our minds on what to eat. Reason behind is none of the pictures look tempting, so we just tried our luck and ordered. Surprisingly, when the food came, all of them look delicious (taste equally) and portions are huge. We spent even longer time finishing the food.

After eating, we had the table cleared for the present giving. They gave me a blender (as per my request) as present, so that I can make protien drink with that. One of my new year resolutions is to gain weight, so I requested that as present. Coming along with the blender was the "agreement" which I had to sign. Wonder whose idea was that??? Personally I felt that the term & conditions were not very reasonable. I amended some of the clauses, and signed on it. Its meant to create the laughter anyway, so I just played along. After we left the restaurant, we went to Serene's house to see her new pet, Saber. Its a 4 mth old Siberian Husky (my favourite dog). Its quite active, and friendly (towards male species only). Look forward to playing with it again!

The photos are all not up yet. Will post in part 2 when ready. Do keep a lookout!

A busy week without my capable assistant

2006-02-13T00:33:00.001+08:00

Actually there's nothing much I want to write for this post. Just some recap on what's going on for the entire week...

Its been quite some time since Edwyn (my very capable assistant) was attached to mail dept, to take over one colleague who went on leave. My workload increased tremendously without him around because other than my daily routine stuff, I have to handle his share of work. Most of which are complaints/requests from internal customers, which require immediate attention. I always have to leave my own work halfway done to attend to these matters. In the end, I have to stay back late to complete my own stuff.

With the few major projects coming up, I'm even more stressed than usual days. The projects require lots of focus, planning, info gathering and coordination, and also lots of site survey with contractors to be conducted. All these are very time consuming. I was beginning to lose my focus and patience. The whole week I was facing a great deal of pressure, and all the things I pre-planned in my calendar couldn't be done cos of shortage of time.

Above all these, I still had to worry about my god-sis's problem, and had to help her look for a job. I had promised to call her after office hours, but always ended up working late and didn't keep my promise to her. Was feeling abit guilty bout that. Saturday I finally met up with her to pass her the resume I did for her, and some job postings. We made ourselves comfortable at a coffee shop and talked for quite awhile. I couldn't do much for her, except to lend her a listening ear. Hope that she can settle her problem soon, and get moving ahead.

that's so much for the week. I'm going to end my post here...

A Touching Movie... A Tragic Life

2006-01-30T03:57:00.000+08:00

30th Jan 2006, Monday
0400am

Last night, my buddies (Richard, Eve, Iris, Eve's bro, Adam) n I went Shaw Lido to watch Jack Neo's latest production - I Not Stupid Too. Our comment of the show was all the same: It's a very touching movie. I personally felt that this one was Jack Neo's best movie ever produced. Maybe its because the story stirred my feelings so much that I'm having difficulty falling asleep. Even when watching the movie, old memories already started to flash past my mind.

The story revolves around 2 families of different background. It was funny in the beginning, with some usual S'porean style jokes inserted among the scenes. But when the movie reaches the middle part, things start to have a turn. The ever so common family problems became the sparkle which ignite the flames. This eventually caused the 2 teenagers to head astray from the right path. It is through the great and selfless love that the parents of both displayed that saved them from heading into the path of no return.

I believe many scenes in the movie actually touched the heart of the viewers and had their eyes filled with tears. For I was among the many. I noticed Iris shed tears too, as she sat beside me. However, I was then too busy handling my own emotions to be bothered about wats happening around me.

This movie made me start thinking of my relationship with my family...

To my friends & colleagues, I may appear a happy go lucky person, although I sometimes may seem lost in thoughts. But when I'm home at the end of the day, I'm a totally different person. I do not speak a word unless absolute necessary. I've grown to detest talking to my family members. Even when it is necessary for me to reply, I do not look at them. If given a choice, I think I would rather live alone than to face them. To me, this house is just a place for me to sleep and spend some quiet moments alone. I guess the reason why I've become like this is due to bad childhood memories...

When I was small, I was a very timid person. As a typical traditional family, the husband would act like an emporor and the rest of the family members are like his subjects. Subjected to all sorts of verbal and physical punishment when the emporor is made angry. As a result of his tyranical treatment, I do not , or rather... dare not confide in him even though I had problems (Not that it would help much even if I did anyway). The ill fated wife would of course be the first line of impact. Most of the anger would be vent out on her, one who would silently bear all the injustice.
No matter how strong a person is, there are times when the tolerence reach its limit. Although I have never seen him hit her, the verbal abuse appear much more potent. He would always use the word "divorce" as a threat, on top other forms of verbal abuse. To young children, having to witness all these this word can cause them to loose faith in marriage in the future. To the wife, this word is worse than having a knife piercing through her heart a thousand times. She would always cry after hearing that. Sometimes she cries even by talking to her sis about this.

Everything I saw and heard had caused me as much hurt, no less than my mother. I ever had the thought of ending my father's life with my own hands... That was never put into action, guess I lacked the guts to do it as I was still so small. But I know that just by habouring that kind of thought is enough reason to send me to the depths of hell.

As I grew up, I began to realise that the reason why I felt so much pain when I witness all these is because I had love for them. In order to cease the pain, I had to cease my love. If I treat them as strangers, what they do will not affect me in anyway. Indeed that works. As I shut my door from them, I do not feel so much pain anymore. But this can only reduce the pain, yet cannot undo whats been done to me. My hatred still lingers.

Now, he doesn't do that anymore. He knows that I hated that. There was once I heard him threatening to divorce and I gave him a piece of my mind before I ran out, and spent a few nights in the streets. Since that incident, I haven't seen him verbally abusing her again. But all is too late... I have already shut my heart away from them far too long. Now I don't know how to open up anymore. It's like a sealed door without a key. No matter how good they are to me now, how much care and concern they shower upon me, I am unable to treat them like family. I believe as long as the hatred remains, I will be unable to unlock the sealed door. Seems like nothing they do can erase this hatred. Do I really have to wait until the day when they are no longer around before I can forgive and forget?

I believed I had not told anybody so much in my whole life. I simply do not know how to say it out. There was once I talked to someone bout my past. But halfway through, I was already losing control of my own emotions, and I knew I cannot continue any further. Hope that one day someone who reads this can enlighten me.

The Road Is Clear Now

2006-01-16T00:47:00.000+08:00

I noticed that most of my posts are written after midnight. Maybe there are too many things going on in my mind, and only until this time of the day then I can settle down my thoughts and explore my inner self.

Tonight, she told me. Something which I had guessed would happen. Even though, it still creates an impact on me. Everything seems to turn grey. Even as I am writing this post, my heart is still aching. Guess this is inevitable. Even though I said I can give up, the feelings still remain. I'm hurt whenever I see them so close. But all I can do is pretend not to see.

Why can't I fight for my own happiness? Is it that I have no confidence in myself? Or is it that I can't bear to lose this friendship? I don't know. Maybe its just that I'm not ready to face all this, so I chose to avoid?

Despite all the question marks in my mind now, the road seems clear to me. Nothing more that I do can change the fact. Guess my only option is to put down my feelings. But I don't know how to. I don't even know how it started.

It just came so naturally. Before I knew it, I had already fallen for her. At first I was not sure whether it's just a crush, which would go away on its own, or whether it was more than that. Until the point when seeing her being close with other guys affects my mood, then I was was sure of my feelings. But still, I did not tell her. I did nothing to go after her. Instead, I was contented just by being her friend. A friend whom she would share with me her happy and sad moments, and vice versa.

I harbored the foolish thought that maybe one day, her feelings towards me would change, as long as I continue to care for her. But I finally understand that things do not happen this way. You have to fight for your own happiness, for the women u love. However, I cannot fight when it comes to her. They are all my friends. Be it my victory or defeat, I will lose them for good. So I can only choose to give up. All I can do now is to nurse my wounds and carry on. I got to change myself so that history does not repeat itself. When will I learn to fight for my own happiness?

Pls let me get over her, so that I can move on. I dun want to feel hurt anymore…

To Put Down Or To Hold On

2006-01-06T00:03:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking alot for the past few days. Wondering if i should or should i not. It's making me lose focus on my work. Just can't stop thinking bout it. Was feeling slightly better until I found a listening ear.

I finally understood everything... How she felt towards me. I would have expected this anyway, so it came as no suprise to me. My spirit has hit rock bottom. Yet can't show it at work. The rational me says one thing: "To put down", but the emotional me says another: "To hold on".

I suddenly remembered story which I heard a long time ago, and this made me decide to post this blog. I'm going to share it with everyone who somehow happens to read this post.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
One day, 2 monks were on their way down the mountain to go to city and buy groceries. They came to a wooden bridge which they had to pass through. In front of the bridge was a beautiful young lady trying to cross. Crossing that unstable bridge was easy for the 2 monks, but for the lady it was an almost impossible task. Seeing that the sky is turning dark and it is very dangerous for the lady to be left alone in the wilds, the old monk went forward to the lady and said: "Let me carry you across." The lady smiled and nodded her head. The old monk thus piggy backed the lady across the wobbly bridge. The young monk took what he just saw to heart but kept quiet and followed behind.

After crossing the bridge, the old monk put the lady down and without even turning behind, carried on his journey. The young monk took another glance at the lady and followed close behind the old monk. For the rest of the journey, both monks remained silent. When they reached the city, the young monk finally could not stand it anymore and questions the old monk: "How could you carry the lady on your back? We as monks are supposed to keep away from women!" The old monk did not bother to explain much. Instead, he asked the young monk 1 question: "I've already put the lady down the moment I crossed the bridge, why is it that you are still holding on?" The young monk immediately understood the old monk's words and was ashamed of himself.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

I would tell this story to my friends who has something that he or she cannot put down. Now I'm telling this story to myself. The moral of this story is : How many people can be like the old monk, able to leave behind whats past and move on without looking back? How many people are like the young monk, holding on to the past and being hard on himself throughout the rest of life's journey?

Now I ask you, who has read this post: Would you rather be like the old monk or the young monk? The choice is yours to make...

Christmas Dinner @ Tony Romas Part 2

2005-12-25T15:38:00.000+08:00

As we were too hungry to wait anymore, we proceeded to order the food and started eating. It was a sumptuous meal with the world famous ribs, combo feasts, appetizers, and more. However we were all too busy with eating that none of us actually bothered to take photos of the food! What a waste. After the hearty meal, it was time for the gift exchange. The below photos will tell a thousand words, so I'll stop here.

Ok, here's the rest of the photos...

----> Let's gather all the presents!

----> This is my present from Gek :)

Let's see some candid shots. Forgive me everyone :P

Christmas Dinner @ Tony Romas Part 1

2005-12-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

Last Friday, I attended the long awaited gathering of the 4pm gang. This gang is consists of my boss Paul, colleagues Edwin, Shinder, Swee Ling, ex-colleagues Dave, Joey, Gek & Sheila. How I miss the good'o times when we would gather @ the 11th floor pantry for tea break almost everyday without fail.
The gathering was dinner at Tony Romas Suntec. Each of us was supposed to come with a present of not less than $9.90, and all had to wear red top with black bottom. Of course, not all complied. I was one of the non-compliance personnel. The dinner was supposed to start 6.30pm(correct me if I'm wrong) and being typical S'poreans, the gang started arriving only after 6.30pm. Among all the late comers, Sheila was the last one (I'll skip mentioning the sequence of arrival cos I forgot, hee...)

Before I continue, lets take a look at some pictures first

----> Swee Ling, the main character of the evening. She took half day leave just to go rebond her hair and buy a red t shirt (her earlier one was not red)

----> Lim Gek Cheng aka Gek or "Xiao Mei". Ex-colleague of mine. Used to be my good neighbour as her workstation was just beside mine. While she was still in Amex, she was the mastermind of all our outings. Has got the most idea where got good food.

----> Joey, ex-colleague of mine. Now already an AVP at another bank. There were several rumors surrounding this lady. Mostly cooked up by the paparazzi team (thats all of us), but I rather not post at my blog. Let's see if any of the rumors become true...

----> Paul, my boss. Taught me alot all this while. Even nominated me for the excellent staff award (but only managed to get bronze). Can say he's quite an understanding boss. Though he entrusts me with many responsibilities, but has never given me any extra pressure. With that, I can learn at my own pace. Am grateful for that.

----> Edwin, my colleague. Here's a very S.N.A.G. Very soft spoken and easy going. He's quite good at bowling, have played with him a few times. Used to jog together as well. But lately I'm into gym, so have not been joining them for jogging sessions. So sorry, I try to make time ya.

----> Dave, ex colleague. See he's not in red, but he's got a "valid" reason. Claimed that he's only been informed on the very same day of the gathering. Dunno how true... He's a busy man. Even after our dinner, he still needs to go back office. So poor thing.

----> Sheila, ex colleague. She's not in red either. But has got no valid reason. Think we were too busy eating to think of a forfiet. See the small hand at the corner? That's my hand! She's the one who got my present, a photo album.

......Pls look out for part 2 for more photos.........

The Journey Begins...

2005-11-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

I've finally embarked on my training last week. First session body was aching all over.. :(
This morning I discovered the ache was gone and I decided on impromptu to go gym again. So I transferred my stuff to the workout bag and packed my gear in a rush, cos I was running late (as usual) Thank god was in time for work. Hmm, now is already 1am, why am I still not sleeping yet? Am I not afraid of running late later? Course not! Cos my boss on leave! So late abit also nvm. Hahaha...

The training was demoralising. Can't imagine how weak I am. Am performing under my expectations. Get tired out very easily when doing weights, despite that I can run forever without even feeling tired. Maybe I should really start taking mass gainer? If not dun think my weight will ever increase. Think the only thing that stops me from taking is being afraid of pimple breakout. I spent 4 months popping antibiotics just to get rid of the pimples, and I won't want them to come back again.. ever!

Guess I was being impatient. Its only start of my training. Of course I shouldn't expect myself to handle the weights with ease. Of course I should go step by step. But its kind of boring for me. I've never like to do weights to begin with. Worse off if I've got no company. No one to talk to during the workout. I can't go on like this.. will be bored to death sooner or later. Better start looking out for gym kakis. Oh ya, saw someone I know today. He's a director from my company. Never expect to see this man there. Didn't look like the exercise type ya. But he had a private trainer with him. Gosh its very costly to hire one, but he can well afford it since he's so rich.

Hope to see more familiar faces next time I go. Its time to go to bed already. I'll end here for now...zzz

The New Chapter of My Life

2005-11-04T21:36:00.000+08:00

2 days ago, I made a very important decision which may change my entire life. Guess what, I have finally joined California Fitness Club. To others, it may seem like I'm making a big fuss out of nothing. To me, this decision is significant, yet a painful one...

Maybe it's due to the genes inherited from my parents, I have always been of petite build.I don't like myself this way, not at all. Since young, I feel like I've always been looked down upon by my peers. Maybe thats the reason why I'm willing to part with so much $$ just to get into the club. I believe that using this 3 years, I can achieve what I set out to do. I've always been lazy and finding excuses not to work out. I believe only by feeling the pain of parting with so much $$, I will be determined to do whats neccessary.

To fufill this dream of mine, I've actually spent over my budget. Now, I have to be very careful about how I spend,for the next 3 months, in order to clear my bill. Though unwilling, Ihave made the painful decision to keep all outings with friends at minimal. But I feel that all these sacrifices are worth it. If I do not start now, I may never have to desire to do it ever. At the same time, I can spent more time alone to reflect over what I've done, and to think about my future. Hope I can figure all that out within this 3 months. For I know that once I pull through this tight period, I will go back to my fast pace lifestyle again. Also hope that I will have their understanding, for missing out e upcoming events. Pls do not forget me for I'll be back.

All the best to myself!

A note of Gratitude to my "Shi Fu"

2005-10-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

My blog is finally up to shape! Thanks to Iris, who has been teaching me patiently. Even though I keep bothering my "shi fu" with questions, she's always been willing to teach. Furthermore is through msn. Took the trouble to type out the long instructions, which is easy to understand.

Now I am able to pen down my "xi, nu, ai, le", pen down all the events that the forgetful me would not want to forget, pen down all the words that I had wanted so much to say, but will never be able to say out. At least when I am no longer around, my memories, my feelings, my remorse will still remain.. remain for others to know of my insignificant existence.

If anyone happen to read this, pls dun get it wrong. I'm not writing my last words here. I'm just letting go. In real life, I'm a guy who does not dare to say out what I feel. I'm someone who choose to escape from reality. Maybe its because I lack confidence? Or maybe there's no turning back? I dunno.. It is only through here that I can express myself freely and let go without having any concern....

Dunno why I've written so much. Its supposed to be a gratitude note. But nvm, since its my blog, I can write whatever I want, my rules, my way. Once again thanks to my shi fu for teaching me to blog. You have actually helped me fufil my lifelong dream. Also, thanks to the person who invented Blog. I'm going to end here for now...

My very first Blog!

2005-10-19T00:15:00.000+08:00

I'm finally blogging! Thanks to Iris, my "shi fu". Showed me the ropes.